MARRIAGE
How
do you know you are ready for marriage? People have mused over the
right marrying age for centuries. There is no specific age except one.
It is when the heart is large enough to accommodate another life. It is
a moment in life when you are able to care for another human being. It
is when selfishness dies and selflessness is born. This does not end at
the wedding day—it is perpetuated into marriage for as long as the two
shall live. The moment this selfless state of affairs starts to
diminish, then marriage begins to dwindle!
Marriage is Spelled “Marry-Age”
Readiness
for marriage cannot be based on economic and biological factors only.
Important as these may be, other factors should also come into play.
These include the ability to compromise, to share secrets, and to trust
one another even when trusting is the last thing you should do, and the
ability to stand on each other’s side no matter what, caring for one
another regardless of circumstances, and respecting each other in the
face of inconsistencies and human frailties.
Choose Your Partner in Love
From
the moment we are born, we’re imbued with the capacity for making
choices. Man, unlike other animals, does not make choices by instinct
alone. Man is also a reasonable being: he carefully considers his
options well before launching out into the deep. This capacity is as
vital as life itself. Where else can man use this capacity better than
in finding his life partner? Of the millions of beautiful women and
handsome men out there, how can man be expected to find a Mr. and a
Mrs. Right?
Our innate quality usually leads us in making life choices. We may know immediately upon meeting or speaking to someone that they fit our mental, psychological, and personality profiles. But such experiences are few and far between. One thing is surely true: when we take pains to choose the ones we would like, we end up finding them!
Physical attraction, personality, common factors, and many other indices lead us to choose our partners. But what are all these qualities if we don’t love our partners? It’s like having a car frame without the motor. Love must be the key factor in choosing our love partners. Where there is genuine love, the relationship is bound to succeed.
Sometimes people think that compatibility, physical attraction, beauty, and other external titivations will lead to love. As great as these prettifications are, they don’t lead to love. They might even hamper love. They may induce striking chemistry, but love is not the same as sexual compatibility. You may have great sex with a person and come to realize you never loved him or her. This explains why people fall in love this year and fall out of it next year.
Why
is this? It’s because people usually mistake sexual compatibility for
love. Love is more than just techniques and being presentable. Love is
based on knowledge. It is not a feeling that overwhelms us and leaves
us with no choice. It is something we can control. We can choose whom
to love and marry. That’s what makes love superior: it is something we
have power to control, and yet it overpowers us.
The
secret to successful relationships, therefore, is in letting love guide
us in choosing our mates. To do less is to open the doors wide to
trouble. A relationship without love is like living in bondage. Sadly,
most people create their own small prisons by rushing into marrying a
person they never loved. The good news is that you can start loving
your partner even today. The moment love is established in the
relationship, it begins to stand up on its feet again! Love is the best
motive for choosing your mate. Love will transform any defects in your
partner into symbols of perfection. When you put love first, love will
put you first. Marry only the person you love. Remember also that souls
may be attracted, but only love knits the hearts!
He Who Hus-bands of Love Has Life
Marriage
is an institution in which love must predominate. To think of marriage
without love is like thinking of building a house on sand. Marriage is
founded on the understanding that two people have agreed to be ruled by
love from beginning to end. The husband is called to love his wife no
matter what. When husbands do love their wives, they scatter
fertilizers of benevolence and longevity upon their marriages.
The
husband is the primary love initiator in the marriage. Certainly a
woman should love her husband, but the biggest responsibility is with
the husband. Women in general and wives in particular were wired to
respond to love. Women know when love is intended. It is sad that some
women have not used this power to their advantage. A man throws love at
his wife and she responds to it. If he does not give love, she will
have nothing to respond to and this is the beginning of tension in the
relationship. If you don't love your wife, you are not a husband!
Marriage Without Love is Like a Body Without a Head
Let’s
pause and consider what a body without a head would look like.
Definitely it would lack guidance, apart from the sheer fact that it is
dead. Marriage without love is a war zone. It’s more dangerous than the
Katyusha multiple rocket launcher BM-21! Love gives direction to
marriage. Take any struggling marriage and infuse it with a dose of
love, and it will be on its feet again. Marriage with love is a
paradise on earth. That’s what marriage should be: a place where two
people are so absorbed in each other’s lives that there is no place for
a third party. They have become one, in every sense of the word. In
order to make love a blissful experience in marriage, I have proposed
four rules to live by:
Firstly, partners should be committed
to speaking well of each other. Partners should learn to bless one
another and to respond with good words to one another. This is
especially true when one partner is unruly. Love has the capacity to
change a wayward partner into a dependable homemaker. Speaking well of
each other should be followed by learning to be sensitive to each
other’s needs. Many a time partners have focused only on their own
needs, neglecting those of the other partner. This leads to a one-sided
relationship which is hazardous to a marriage.
Secondly, partners should learn to build each other up in love. I have been appalled by some husbands who tear their wives up in public. No matter what the excuse, it is not a good thing to ridicule or castigate your partner in full view of other people. Telling off your husband or wife in public is a sign of bad things to come. You should realize that a wife or husband is a direct representative of your dreams, ideas, ideals, and intentions. The way you treat him or her demonstrates how well or how poorly you regard your own value, worth, and sense of choice.
Build her or him up by praise, appraisal, appreciation, and cheering in every area of life. There is no one who can better destroy his or her own marriage than an insensitive partner. Other people from outside can say whatever they want, but that will evaporate and vanish. Yet, what your partner says to you sticks! Therein is found wisdom: your partner is the primary source of motivation in life. Realizing this fact and practicing it will turn any wobbling affair into bliss!
Thirdly, do things together with your partner. There are many things partners can do with each other apart from fulfilling conjugal duties. It is often paradoxical that two people who live and sleep under one roof usually go their different ways. While it is reasonable to expect married couples to collaborate, in many real situations, couples have preferred other acquaintances to their own partners! Couples should learn to share, which demands giving of themselves to one another. This also involves listening to each other and developing a sensitivity and awareness that deepens the love between the couple.
Fourthly, learn to touch each other in a nonsexual way. Physical touch is very essential to human relations. But for a couple to touch each other without expecting to have an affair is a marvelous discovery. A touch is a smooth way of saying, “I love you so much.” A tender touch shows us that we are actually cared for. It has the propensity to calm fears, soothe pains, and bring emotional security.
We’ve
thought that touching is only a preliminary for sex; while that’s
correct, it has never hurled relationships to any higher levels than
sex. Practicing physical touch in a nonsexual way opens doors to
greater satisfaction without ever engaging in the act of sex itself. It
nourishes marriage and builds lasting relationships! Touching is a way
of saying without words, “I love you for who you are and not for what
you have!”
As a husband you’re not called to love all women, but one. You’re not sanctioned to deeply know all other females, only your wife. It is important that you understand the various aspects of your wife. There are certain things and qualities that are common to all women. These include intuitive power, ability to bear up under pressure, and the capacity to care. But your woman will be different; she’ll have her own personality, values, and background. Within these parameters, seek to understand her.
Most importantly, women are good at receiving love. One thing a woman understands unequivocally is whether you love her or not. Women expect love from their husbands. They expect them to assert their love on a frequent basis. Because men bank on reasonability they sometimes forget to reaffirm their love to their partners. A man thinks because he told her last month that he loved her, she knows he does. That is wrong. Women tend not to depend on yesterday’s affirmation; they want new confirmations all the time.
Moreover, a woman expects you to show that you love her unreservedly. When you remember her birthdays or send her a gift, she’s appeased. She also wants you to praise her—for example when she dresses or arranges her hair differently. Men sometimes wonder why some women don’t look attractive to them any more. They complain that before they married a woman, she always looked great. But what they forget is that she was presenting herself because she was being appraised or because she wanted to be noticed. It is imperative, therefore, that husbands get into the habit of praising and complimenting their wives.
Men, until you love your wife, we have no idea whether you love your body. No one ever hated his or her own body on purpose. To the extent to which you love your body, to that extent you should love your wife. We protect, care for, and treasure our bodies. We keep them in good health and choose what to put on them. So ought a husband to love his own wife, like his own body. A wife is not a sex toy or object. She’s a person with feelings that need to be fulfilled. She has ideas that need to be respected. When women are only seen as sex objects, abuse is likely.
A
husband's first assignment is to love his wife. A wife needs to be
loved throughout life. There is no conflict; children come as a
blessing from God. But before children there was a wife. This is the
same woman you will remain with after the children are gone. What a joy
that there is one woman you’re responsible for loving the rest of your
life! This is very possible; all that it requires is a little bit of
creativity.
Some
people have argued the intelligence of loving the same woman year in
and year out. Love grows with time. The more years you spend with the
same woman the more beautiful she becomes and the more attached to her
you get. When it comes to loving your wife, hard work is demanded of
you. You cannot be lazy in this matter. Each husband is called to love
his wife for life! It goes without saying that love for your wife ought
to be growing every day.
He That Nourishes and He That Cherishes Her, are Both Right
How
right this is to marriage! Marriage is defined marry-age, a
responsibility endowed to human beings to live life productively. There
is no other way man will show greater responsibility than in a marriage
setting. It is true that a man can rule over other souls, command the
trust of troops, and drive industrial fulcrums to productive pinnacles.
But man will be judged responsible for his prowess in marriage affairs.
Love and marriage are like the two sides of a coin. But marriage love is practical. It is typified by man’s ability to nourish his wife. Nourishing has several facets to it. The commonest of these is fending for her. This is absolutely required in marriage. Man is given the mandate to ensure that his wife is well nourished. A wife is like a garden of exotic flowers. Man has been given the responsibility of tending it. The womanly features in your wife illustrate this fact. There is just too much on a woman to be simply ignored. Every feature on her commends attention.
Love
in marriage means nurturing your partner to productive potential. It
means maintaining her to acceptable standards. If you cannot nurture
your wife, you have no right to be called a husband. She is so
important that she demands respect and consideration. Nurturing means
encouraging her to be the best she can be. It means promoting her and
supporting her—physically, mentally, and emotionally. A man must always
be there for his wife, tending, nourishing, and reassuring her.
The call to cherish your wife is as old as the institution of marriage itself. The value of a woman is based on that dexterous romance that only goes to signify the true mark of womanhood. Women are valuable when they are cherished. They glitter when they are treasured. To give a woman less is to have her operate far below her original power.
No
man should claim to be in love without being romantically creative.
Think of resourceful and imaginative ways of loving your wife. There
are more ways than just sending flower bouquets, taking her out to
dinner, endowing with gifts, or making pronouncements. Love can be
interesting, it can be creative. You may come up with different ways of
pleasing your partner, always bearing in mind her uniqueness and
sensitivity. This means thinking ahead of time, monitoring events, and
reacting to her fully stimulated sensibilities.
Love: The Reason Man Leaves to Cleave
Marriage
does not begin at the wedding day. In the mind of man, marriage begins
when he decides to leave all other women and stick with the only one he
will call his wife. It is true therefore that a man may be in marriage
and still not married. This may happen when, despite the fact that he
is married, he continues to entertain thoughts of other women. Men
should know this that they have the power to begin a marriage—it does
not matter at what stage of your marriage life. The moment you divorce
all other women from your heart and remain with the one you love, you
are really starting your marriage. Leaving also means ceasing from
idolizing former lovers, however remarkable they may have been.
Now that you have found your true love, consider all former lovers dead. Love one woman; like the others. Some men think that there are “hotter” women than their own wives. Any woman is capable of being truly ”hot” with a little input from her husband. Despising your wife will only aggravate the relationship. Cherishing and nurturing her will transform her into a graceful doe and a cistern of moving waters! It will activate romantic and erotic factors unknown even to her!
Leaving denotes leaving dependence on your father and mother. It makes you the head of your household. You can no longer be under the authority of your parents. This is functional headship only. It does not mean that the woman is less. Because you cannot cherish what is less valuable than you. The bonds of love between parents and their children are lasting ones. The function of these bonds ought to be changed so that the man’s highest commitment is now to his wife. Reciprocally, the woman’s highest commitment is also to her own husband. Perfect lovers are those so bonded that even death cannot separate them.
Leaving also puts aside all other things of less importance to you. Whatever is important to you in this life should be less important than your marriage. Women will tell you that they crave their husbands’ attention even more than monetary gains. When a man puts his business or career ahead the marriage suffers. It is of absolute importance that a man leaves all other ties, to concentrate on his marriage.
You cannot expect to love your life’s pursuits and hobbies ahead of your marriage. These, however, will align themselves well when the marriage is well. Whether you are a career person or a church devotee, your number-one goal should be maintaining your marriage! Unless you are willing to leave all else, you will never develop a thrilling oneness that will bloom into a paradise of emotional and physical contentment.
When
marriage partners leave all others, they should begin to cleave.
Defined as the inseparable joining of husband and wife to each other
throughout their lifetime, cleaving connotes adhering and sticking to
each other, just like a stamp does to the envelope!
This
necessitates being attached to each other with strong ties. The job of
forming strong ties between couples cannot be left to chance. As soon
as the two leave they should begin to cultivate their relationship in
such a way that very strong ties are created between the two of them.
These ties must be forged together so strongly that all the challenges
of life cannot break them. For cleaving to be effective, unsoiled
loyalty should be enhanced through mutual respect and goodwill. This
unswerving loyalty should be strengthened by an active, pursuing love
that will not let go at all. Every action the couple decides to engage
in should be weighed against the scale of longevity and proximity.
Anything that ensures closeness should be encouraged, and anything that
jeopardizes that closeness must be isolated and dealt with promptly.
To
think that because you’re now married everything will fall into place
is presumptuous. Cleaving can be planned, such as when the couple
chooses those activities that will bring them together and strengthen
their love and loyalty.
All Authority has been Granted to Love to Make Two into One
In
marriage the sum of one plus one is not equal to two but to one!
Marriage entails oneness in the strictest possible sense. This is what
triggers intimate physical union without shame or withholding. This is
when sexual union becomes necessary.
Sex in marriage is based on knowledge, knowledge that in the act itself the two are transformed into one—in mind, will, purpose, and desires. Sex’s part in marriage is the culmination of all that the two stand for. It breaks through detached personalities and binds the souls of the two into one. When you make love to your wife or husband you are affirming that oneness that makes you two truly one.
Importantly,
it must be known that love precedes sex. Love and sex are not the same
thing. When having sex we may say we’re making love, but that does not
equate love to sex. Love goes beyond just physical union and involves
unconditional love for the whole person—body, soul and spirit. Sex is
related to love in that it brings the body and soul of the two people
into complete rhythm so that there is an intense fusion of two
personalities into one. Sex is a spiritual activity. Sex is breathing
one’s spirit into another. The person you decide to make love to must
be carefully chosen, because he or she will bear your spirit. That’s
why it is important to have sexual intercourse with the person you love
and are united together in marriage with.
How to Love Yourself
The
saying goes that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, we can also say
that love is in the heart of the beloved. Loving your wife is the
greatest measure of how much you love yourself. Whatever you do to her
is in response to what is true to you. The pattern is clear—those who
abuse their own bodies also tend to abuse their wives.
Let’s face
it: How did you come to the conclusion that so-and-so would be your
wife? Certainly there are those whose marriages were arranged or who
were forced by circumstances to marry each other. But whatever the
case, the husband ought to love his wife as his own flesh. Not all
people marry in the same way. But by whatever way you find yourself
with her, love her as you love yourself. Cherish her and nurture her.
Find in her your own interests, identity, and ideals.
Women
are great finishers: they take a raw sperm and turn it into a baby.
They enter into a lifeless house and turn it into a live home! They
marry timid men and turn them into leaders. If you want to succeed in
any endeavour, allow your wife to manage your interests. I have learned
that goals and dreams can die and amount to nothing. But when a woman
is involved, they blossom and become hope-builders! Women encourage
progress. They have a special affinity for action. By their nature,
they are inside, and from there their power is felt.
Women have this quality to their advantage: They are persistent. They stick with a matter until it is achieved. When you involve them in an enterprise they propel it to azure heights. They rarely give up. The only fuel they operate with is love. Stimulate your wife with love. Support her with love, and she shall never disappoint you. Love her and she shall never let you down. Love your wife all the days of your life. Love her, and she shall promote you.
Many
broken marriages are due to negligence of the love factor. How else can
a marriage disintegrate, unless love is taken out of the picture? Are
you familiar with the saying: "Love her, and she shall keep you?
Experts believe that among many things that contribute to the
disintegration of marriage are finances, sex, and infidelity. My
conclusion is that all of these are symptoms. The real cause is lack of
love.
Where there is no love, neither financial boom nor sexual mastery can save th
e
relationship. In many cases, infidelity is due to love unfulfilled.
Faithfulness is the best love portion. Be satisfied with your lover's
love, always. Make your bed a sanctuary where love is celebrated; and
not a circus where immorality is exacerbated.
A
wife is a helper to the husband and not a knife to cut his dreams off.
However, as far as love is concerned, the duty of the wife in marriage
is to appropriate the love she receives from her husband and respond
amiably. Notice here: it’s the love she receives from her husband. The
husband has the primary responsibility to give his wife love. No
husband has the right to complain against the wife he does not cherish.
And no wife has the right to behave otherwise if her husband gives her
the love she deserves.
Although
it is the husband’s responsibility to love his wife, the wife has also
a role to play. A wife's love for her husband is defined as respect. A
wife must esteem her husband, showing this through a reverent
submission that allows the man to discharge his loving duties well.
This is not a defeatist submission, but rather a deliberate attempt at
allowing the man to lead so that there is direction in the marriage.
What you love you submit to.
The
man is not the head of the house by coercion, but by function. When
wives allow their husbands to be heads and the husbands play their
loving roles well, there can never be anything but bliss in the
relationship. To love her husband and children is a wife's greatest
legacy. Let your husband be the true love of your life.
Love is the Constitution of Marriage
There
is only one law in marriage. It is the law of love. Once this law is
broken, all kinds of problems set in. The law of love must be obeyed by
both lovers. The commitment which lovers make to each other, to love
and cherish each other till death do them part, could all be
meaningless unless this commandment is obeyed for life. Love honours
the vows. Vows protect love. The fact that love is the highest law in
marriage makes it easy for marriage to survive. There is not much that
should be done by both partners to make the marriage work—only to love
each other dearly.
Love
in marriage is a light burden. It is a burden because it is a
responsibility both couples should embrace. It is, however, a light and
enjoyable burden because carrying it brings enormous pleasure and
satisfaction. Never compromise the law of love. Always love your
partner. Circumstances may emerge to drown your love, but make sure you
rise above the situation. Ask yourself this question always: how far
have I slid back from when I was first in love? Always keep your first
love ablaze! Lovers in the depth of their love are as a lovely song
sung by one with a lovely voice. True love is spending yourself for
your partner. The cup of marriage love must always be kept full.
Love Begins at Home
The
family is the best place to groom love. There are a number of reasons
why this is so. Firstly, the family is an epitome of value and serves
as a community in miniature. Rather than entering the large society and
blundering, you learn the values that are vital in interpersonal
relationships at home. You’re provided with the resources to both
initiate love and advance in it. You learn the fundaments of respect
and the rudiments of amity. You’re in the company of the people who
know you better and who can prepare you for what is ahead of you.
Secondly, a family is a centre for free experimentation. The family setting provides you with a carefree atmosphere in which to try out what you’ve learned from your family members. Its innocuous nature will help facilitate a smooth transition towards becoming a personable person. These qualities are necessary in beginning to love others. Because you know what it means to be loved as a person, you will in turn love those who you come in contact with. Lack of family backing produces individuals who are self-centred and insecure.
Thirdly,
the family practices shameless love. I remember reading the Book of
Genesis and coming to where it says Adam and Eve were both naked and
were not ashamed of it. Where else can you be naked and not ashamed,
except in the family? Symbolically, this means being in a state of
honesty and transparency.
In the family setting, you’re what you are. You need not pretend, and this in itself liberates you to truly exert yourself fully. Family is the basic framework of society. The power of a family lies in the fact that members are protected and nurtured in a non-confrontational, non-discriminatory, and non-judgmental way. Here love blossoms and becomes the cementing factor.